India and China are the future of the world.
Half of India's population is under 30.
That means 500 million young Indians.
The President wantsa young Indian.
How young?
No. It's not like that.
Yeah 17 dozen, at least. Uhhuh...
...on the... The 12th...
Mr. Ambassador, The White House on line one.
Mr. President...
Get me young Indians.
Does India like George Bush?
I think he isa very charming man!
Lets just find out from young India...
...what they would like to say to Mr. Bush.
Give us some tips...
...so that we can make our country such a beautiful place.
Arre baba, we don't want him to come because of who he is...
Who is he? Just coming like that and all.
Well, I would say, like, no...
...at least for the nuclear thing... like no...
...he should go ahead with India... Like no...
Give me H1 right away.
Give me H1 visa.
Yes, the White House has asked me to find one Young Indian.
Capable of shaking hands with President Bush.
It'sa huge responsibility!
I'm in the process of shortlisting PR agencies...
...to find me a worthy young Indian.
As you can see, we're you know, we're written about...
...in all kinds of different magazinesall over the world.
I've worked out this fabulous television campaign.
Are you young, ambitious and India's best?
Are you the future of the new India?
Then President Bush wants you!
If you are under 30, from any profession...
...if you're the best!
You won't get a bigger chance in your life.
In citiesacross the nation, from millions of people...
- we will choose... - I will choose...
6 candidates for the greatest prize of all.
So India, get ready.
Because... The President is coming!
I have nothingto say I have nothingto say... Please!
Get out!
Last seat remains.
Could it be you?
The initial body language seemed quite positive.
The two leadersalmost had a mini summit right there.
George! George!
Namaste!
Yes, today is the big day.
I feel like I've been asked to choose the next Pope...
...or the next Dalai Lama.
So... What exactly is your plan?
Yeah!
The six finalistsand us will be locked together in the consulate.
See it's a fight to the finish. Abattle... A war!
What she means is that they will be competing.
Based on talent, personality, knowledge of America.
Yeah, yeah, yeah... Yeah.
There will be rounds, like in boxing match.
Andthe rounds willjust keep getting tougher and tougher.
And one by one the contestants will get...
She doesn't mean, killed!
So that... So that when President Bush...
...arrivesat the consulate tomorrow morning...
...the best young Indian will confidently stand...
...in front of him and say...
Hello!
How do you intendto pick the winner?
We'll be doing it the American way.
- You mean Democratic voting? - RealityTV.
Survivor. Big Boss. Best of both!
- Do you have permission? - Permission?
To go inside.
Why?
The Economic times says my dad is India's th richest man.
He's met like lots of famous people.
But I've met like... No one. This will be my first!
No, it's not like famous people are someone else no?
They are people.
My broker says, if I make it big in the stock market...
...bloody, people will forget the other Kapil Dev.
I am not the one who is screaming from a fucking mountain here...
...saying, you know, Hey guys I'm Rohit Seth...
I've lived in New York! I should win...
It's... Much more subtle than that... Implied?
Excuse me.
How important is this handshake to you?
See, Pythagoras said that the whole world is packed...
...in one thing.
We spend our lives tryingto find it. It could be handshake...
Yes... why not?
I like watchingAmerican TVon Star Plusand Zee cafÈ.
Also Maths. Two things.
Andalso girls.
I like that.
My family.
What do you think your chances are?
See people say I am very traditional.
Just because I wear Khadi, go to templesand log on to Shaadi. Com.
They say, 'Ajay you are very traditional'.
And I tell them, So what man...
So what Ravi? He is my best friend.
I am traditional with an MBA from IIM Ahmedabad!
What's that? That's not traditional.
I know lots of stuff that is modern.
I can say'Fuck' andall that.
Are you excitedto shake hands with President Bush?
I won't shake. We're Indian!
We are now inside the consulate.
The six contestants wait anxiously.
This ordinary basement is now become a battleground.
The tension is mounting.
What do we have here?
Get your hand out of my way.
Please notice the lovely Bush statue.
Bush just left. You can still hear the toilet flushing.
This is the door he left by, it is still moving.
Hey Bhalla, come here!
This is Rahul Bhalla, first year MBAstudent?
You just shook his hand right?
No...
Bloody fool!
Um... Daddy is it okay for, like, a strange man to touch me?
Yeah, he's in a uniform... Ok. Go ahead.
Mao Tse Tung, once said'Le Fu Twin Whang Cha Ping'
Which means that, 'Inside every thief is an honest man'
And Zenith Public Relations is honest.
Sam, you needto tell these people what's going on...
President Bush is coming for breakfast tomorrow morning...
...in this consulate. Will you see him?
- That's a question. - Will you shake hands with him?
That's another question.
As you know this isan all night test so anything is possible.
All legal!
If you have anything to declare from your past... Do it now.
Have you ever engaged in nudity, sodomy, homosexuality?
Have you ever been to a region of dengue fever or plague?
Are you readingfrom a visa application form?
No.
Madam, I shower naked. That is engaging in nudity?
Dude! Does the guard have to grab my ass?
Of course, you may be concealinga dagger.
Arre, but this isan insult. I am a social worker.
I am not Osama Bin Laden. Myself, Ajay Karlekar.
Please don't touch my breasts.
No, no. Who said Bengalis don't like America?
They have a lot in common.
They are both nonvegetarians, they are English speaking.
We even a U.S. Consulate in Kolkotta.
So, they have a lot in common.
Okay, rearrange everyone, make yourselvesat home.
You want us in any particular order?
- By star signs. - Ok I am Virgo.
Both are Virgos, so should we sit on one chair?
It wasa joke! She was joking.
What if President Bush says somethingfunny?
- You must laugh. - It's called humour.
- I fucking knewthat. - No bad words please.
Well, the President said 'That fucking Saddam'.
Yes. It was on CNN.
Your current affairs knowledge is good.
- For what? - Sorry Madam.
I'm not into this humor. I'm not.
Please, sit.
What is India shining? Eh?
More people wearing jeans? Bloody shit.
Do you know Amul? The milk business... Amul.
It was started by farmers in villages.
And now, it is the biggest milk distribution system in the world.
You see, I want to start something like that.
Not milk, something else. Maybe tea, coffee, orange squash.
And Bush isa farmer, he will understandthat.
In fact, he is thinking of signinga Bill which will give...
...one billion dollars in aidto Indian farmers.
It isa beautiful thing no? I will beg him to sign the Bill.
Fall and beg and hold his leg.
Please clap for Ritu because she has been invited...
...for the breakfast with the President...
...which I am not. But I am really happy for her.
Show us the invitation.
I am Ritu Johnson, I am married to an American man, John Johnson.
That's why my last name is Johnson.
He isa visa officer here but... ... Don't ask me for a visa, okay?
Johnson is a popular last name in America.
If you ever go there you will find out.
Yes, It also means 'dick' or'penis'.
Like... Like, 'he hasa 12 inch johnson'.
Just kidding, I mean, I don't really know...
Maybe.
Yes, yes.
I am liking the ladies, so they are also reciprocating...
...some fondness.
Especially because of my moustache, I think.
I read magazines like Cosmopolitan and such.
It has tips! Ten ways to be a great lover.
Ten best places to touch a girl! I am reading.
It'sa step by step thing, like a proof.
My arranged marriage value will exponentially quadruple...
...with me only as the winning candidate.
They will bring out color photo in 'The Hindu'.
Positive trend from handshake, will lead in to marriage.
And then child.
- And till then? - Till then?
Till then?
I am looking for the sexy time with the sexy lady.
Hi! I'm Archana Kapoor.
I went to, like BU, Boston University...
...for, like, an MBA... but it was like totally cold...
...so I just said What the hell...
And I just came back.
My Dadthinks I look like Paris Hilton...
...but darker.
I mean, look at me, I am running like a crore cosmetics empire...
...which I started with like... three crores.
Daddy says that this is like a boom time for small businesses...
...in India. But I help transform ugly women into, like, me!
So... I don't needa boom.
I just need... Ugly women.
Shall we toss to see who goes next?
Chill dude, this isn't cricket!
Hey! No... Before anyone else saysanything...
I just want to let everyone know... Ijust want to confirm...
...that my name is Kapil Dev.
So if you want to make any jokes na, please do it now.
As you can see, there is one BSE index and there is Kapil index.
BSE index is going down and Kapil index is going up.
So BSE is 'bear' but Kapil is 'bull'.
That is what I am trying to say...
...that I am knowing more than that BSE also. It is...
So in, ACC cement was trading at its weeks low.
So I said I should jump on it.
No, no, no, no. Don't you know any general knowledge?
Like what?
Like what's the capital of the United States, for example?
That's easy. It is the DOW Jones.
That is where US keeps capital, DowJones.
No no... Washington DC is the capital.
The Dow Jones isa stock exchange.
No, but that isa place... You meant that capital?
I'm disqualified? Madam, I thought paisa wala.
That isalso capital, no?
Sit down, sit down. Ma'am, please.
I'm Maya Roy, I studied English literature...
...at St. Stephen's college.
My first novel, 'Some yellow mangoesand twelve broken dreams'
...was nominated for the 'Crossword Book Award' last year.
It'sabout an Assamese tribal midget community andtheir hopes...
I've read some American novels. I like Hemmingway.
I think my novel is like Hemmingway's...
But with a better beginning... ... And middle... And end.
'Bastards! '
Moga, the little man screamed. It was Gandhi Jayanti...
...andthe sky wept!
The field was littered with handmade arrows.
Blood colored grass stuck to his feet.
If I ever have enough money I'd like to go to Florida.
You know, to see Hemmingway's house.
Just to compare it with my own.
Currently I am starting a small publishingfirm...
...with two of my friends, and we're focusing on young poets.
Young what? Young boys?
Poets... Poem writers?
Nice!
Oh and I'm divorced. So it's 'Miss' not 'Mrs. Maya Roy'.
Thanks.
You can call me Rohit. Or Tom, whatever... I use both.
Like I said, I've lived in America...
...and currently I am in India and running India's top accent...
...training academy. Speak Eazy...
We help train call centre employees to remove their...
'native tongue interferences'.
'Probably'
'Pro'... 'Pro'... 'Bab'... 'Bab'...
'Ly'... 'Ly'... 'probably'... 'Probably'.
'Apparently'.
See the Indians have a long way to go in learning how to be...
American.
That's true but, why do Bengalis marry so much?
Sorry?
Madam! Kapil Dev made 175 runs not out against Zimbabwe...
1983 in World Cup. That is general knowledge.
If Set Ais President has dogs and Set B is...
I am thinking of buying a dog.
Then Aintersection B is 'I am like Bush.
Proved.
Can you please repeat the question?
Hey, you can't even stay married.
How dare you ask me to repeat questions.
Hey! Nigger please, man!
The President finds 'nigger' an offensive term.
'Negro'. You can say 'Negro'.
My Dad goes to America all the time and he says 'Negro'.
No, I don't think you can...
I don't think you know my dad. He can say what he wants.
My broker thinks I get nervous around lunch time.
I think Nigger isa subset of Negro.
If Set Ais 'AII Niggers except Negroes'and Set B is 'AII... '
My broker thinks I should do self confidence course online.
I know all the words to the National Anthem.
So do I... Jana Gana Mana...
No, no not that one. The American National Anthem.
The 'Star Spangled Banner'. You know why?
Because you lived in America?
Yes, but don't get smart with me lady...
...I fire women like you all the time.
They think they know America. But the accent... it is shit!
Arre, it is because she is divorced no? It happens.
Women have to become wise when they become divorced...
...to make up for the handicap. It's like that same logic.
You see, when you become blind, hearing sensation will go up.
But madams, how do they let in such low class people in...
'India's best list'?
First they will allow divorced women...
...then they will allow Non Hindus. Where does thisall end?
Dude... you're crazy, man!
Thank you.
No, not in a good way. In a way of a racist!
Anarrow minded chauvinist...
...who hates people from different cultural backgrounds.
But... That is just like Bush.
You don't know him, man... You even been to the White House?
See I took the city tour.
City tour? You don't even know anythingabout...
...this great country that we are living in.
I know that in this 'Great' country that we are living in...
...people like you, they start riots, man.
And... Those two girls there... They know that.
And who are they to judge me?
They're the judges man.
Look the judges, selectors, whatever...
...they know that I am their only candidate...
...that can have a real conversation with the president.
Not just standthere like some foolish guy.
You know I've been there. I'm practically one of them.
Not like these Indians!
With their mummy daddy inheritance and old money...
...livingat home with free internet and shit.
I wasan orphan, okay?
Ran aboarda ship to America.
I workedthere! Asa cabbie in Texas, waiter in Seattle...
...andthen on to New York city night college.
I'm the real success story!
Well I mean... Yes, it sucks that they found out I was illegal...
...and deported my ass back... ... But you know, I'm...
Dude! I am talking here.
And you know, I have interpersonal skills. Watch this!
- Hi! - Fuck off, Rohit!
It's cool.
Umm... Madam?
- This is... - Osama Bin Laden.
Correct.
- Britney Spears. - No, no, no.
- Pamela Anderson. - Britney Spears.
Very good.
- Bill Gates, Bill Gates! - Very Good. Okay next.
Bruce Lee.
You're half right... come on, quick!
Bruce.
Ang Lee.
Nice.
- Jessica Biel. - Good.
Mahesh Bhupathi, madam.
No... He's tennis player Mahesh Bhupati.
Lefty, lefty.
Shyamalan?
Yes, yes.
Mandela! Mandela! Mandela!
That's not Mandela.
Daddy, really quickly.
What isa really dangerous terrorist organization...
...threateningAmerica?
No... They're not in Bombay. I already asked that!
Look, just forget it!
AIQaida, Madam.
Archana madam.
The horses that lead us in, added...
...great elegance to this welcoming ceremony.
Madam!
- Yes? - So...
- Your husband is not rich? - What?
No like... You know... what is your arrangement with Aunty Sam?
You get a salary or commission for doing this?
Or you know... How you work?
I...
You got a nice dress for the banquet?
You know with the Bush, nice, tip top...
If you... You know, we can...
- Excuse me. - I... I could...
Kapil.
Yes. Hello... Girl.
No, no...
Make it quick.
I mean. It's not like...
Did you come by mistake?
Hey, listen person!
If you think I am going to bribe Bush so that...
...he can bribe the World Bank into creating a panic...
...in the Indian stock market so that I can buy Tata Steel...
...at half price... I'm not!
- What? - And if you think so you're wrong, okay?
And please, I have a girlfriend, now.
In a day or two I'll tell her she's my girlfriend...
...andthen you'll be fucked!
When we do our honeymoon shopping, no?
...you'll be selling your lipstick outside those Shopper's Stops!
Yeah right!
You don't even look like her ass!
Asshole!
Hey... I've been to a disco, okay... With my Mummy.
Hilton! 5 star! Hey, bitchgirl you're one Bloody, girlbitch!
Hello Madam.
You know, I can judge people really well.
Honestly.
You know, once I was sitting in this star bathroom...
...maybe Hilton, Hyatt... one of those.
And I was readingthis little article on HDFC stock.
This little, this small.
And I invested. And look at me today.
I am one of India's topmarket traders...
...and I have my own Honda Accord.
Now please... Today is Saturday night. So, party night.
Sam! That man Kapil.
I think he offered me a bribe!
- How much? - I didn't take it!
Take it.
See, the proof of the pudding... is in the pudding!
- We needto expose. - What?
Him! We needto expose him!
Sam! We can't mess this up!
You know how much I've beggedthe Ambassador to give us this job?
- You think I don't know that? - I'm not saying that...
No, no, no, no! You think I like goingto war all the time?
You know, Samantha is so strong and confident and... Strong.
Sometimes I go over to her house when my husband's working late...
...or even when he's not. And she tells me things.
And I listen... To it.
Samantha says I know nothing... But she's joking, of course.
Idiot!
Not now, please...
Yeah, see, in this next round...
I'm goingto put them in physically challenging states.
So, they'll be acting like animals or dancing...
...or stressing out. And then I'll throwthem a Bush challenge.
Quote a famous Bush speech!
Can you really do that while imitatinga frog?
Freeze!
Maya! Ramesh! Archana!
Our enemiesare innovative and resourceful So are we!
They never stop thinking of ways of harming our country...
...and our people. and neither do we!
I just want you to know that when we talk about war...
...we are actually talking about peace.
People say, 'How can I help in this war against terror?
'How can I fight evil? '
You can do so by mentoring a child.
By going into a small boy'shouse and saying 'I love you'.
Excellent! Excellent! Everyone! Okay. Now... Dance!
Look, this is the toughestcompetition...
...in the history of India.
So we definitely need a physical round.
I mean, how else will they know if you're physically fit?
What if you faint when you meet him?
Freeze! Kapil?
I have investments in oil companies.
Hey! Bush never said that man!
Hey! Fuck you man! Just be in your state!
You fuck yourself! Be in your state!
Shhh... No fighting as yourselves. Only as Bush!
Now! Busy state everyone!
Freeze! Maya! Kapil!
Singapore is the capital of Asia.
I have investment in oil companies...
Okay, state four everyone!
Hey, but Ritu madam? What is state four?
Agitated you racist... Like this!
Freeze!
Ajay, Ramesh, Rohit, Archana, Maya!
I want to go to Greece and meet the Grecians.
I know what I believe.
I will continue to believe what I believe.
I believe what I believe is right!
Some of our imports come from abroad.
The main thingAmerican parents needto ask themselves is...
...is our children learning?
I promise I will listen to everything that has been said...
...in this room. Even though I wasn't in this room.
I have investment in oil companies...
Kapil, shut up!
Okay, state... Go nuts everyone!
Yes, Maya looks sexy when she is agitated. I can say it. So?
Listen.
You! You shouldn't have pushed me, okay!
Yeah? I'll push you again!
Guard! Guard!
Be careful! Be careful! He'sa trainedassassin!
No, that's not true.
When the guard pulled out his gun...
...I thought, ìWow! î
Yes said Wow also. There's a real gun!
Wow.
Very successful trip.
He's saying it's lost in repair.
Does he understandthat this is the 'President's' father?
The 'President' who is coming?
Does he understand the importance of the situation?
He's saying it's an okay photo of Dharmandra.
It is okay to let it be.
This is Code Orange.
I need someone to Google a photo of old man Bush.
Sam? I got you these, for good luck.
- Pastries. - Calories.
Sam?
I'm working on four novels myself.
One isa trilogy about death.
Andthe other isa tragicomedy, so I like to call it a tragedy.
Good.
'Into that kingdom of heaven, my father, let my country awake.
The one and only Rabindranath Tagore... Bengali, na?
I think it's 'Into that heaven of freedom, my father...
...let my country awake'. Not kingdom.
I hate these elite people.
These 'English speaking' so called people.
And let me tell you... I learned English...
...only to compete with them. Otherwise I hate that language.
Even though I am such good speaker in it, I hate it.
Do they knowthis? No they don't even know that I am self taught...
...in Bengali, Marathi, Punjabi, Bengali, Gujrati, Hindi, Tamil.
No, we didn't discuss it.
While they were busy in call centers...
...picking up fake accents or in discos...
I was there, listening to tapes called...
Learn Oriya in thirty days.
Audio cassettes. Not even CDs!
Hey Lipstick, I've seen you somewhere.
The name is Archana.
And you must have seen me at a fashion show or something.
No...
Are you a slut?
- Huh? - Yeah, like a whore type?
No!
Hey bastard! I've seen you also somewhere also.
You are the trader from Kotak, right?
No man... 'Speak Eazy'
Hey dude. Listen, Ijust wanted to say I am sorry okay?
Just wanted to apologize. Come on.
Ha ha!... I don't think so man!
Yeah! Wassup!
Now tell me again about the neck man. So...
Basically, you have to pull it like this...
You have lovely fingers ... On your hands.
Thanks.
I am called Ramesh S... 'S' is private.
- What's up, Florida? - Sorry?
You know, you said earlier, you wanted to go to Florida...
...to see some house. I'm saying, I have been there.
Oh did you go to Hemmingway's house?
- No. Is he famous? - Yes.
- Ball player? - Novelist... He wrote novels.
- You are being divorced? - Yes, I am. Divorced.
Husbandsare bastard people!
If you saw Desperate Housewives, you will see that...
...husbands beat wife and wife leaves home.
Yes, well, I am busy, 24x7, 365. So...
Busy... Busy... lady... Samantha...
Sam... Fox... Foxy... Dirty Lady?
Florida hasa great nightclub scene. Are you into house?
Yes I have an apartment in Jodhpur Park.
No. 'House' is a kind of music.
No, I don't know it.
My range is limited. I only listen to Hindustani Classical.
Ewww! I hate that shit!
You know, It's like someone's murdering a cat or something.
Sa Re Ga Ma Pa Dha Ni Saa...
You know?
Are you a lesbian?
- You are having the child? - No, I live alone.
That's sad, but helpful.
Because, you know... if I could stay back in Bombay...
...if I could not go back to Bangalore...
...if you couldarrange the meeting with Bush...
...if you couldarrange for me being selected...
...then, you could come in my car and we could do some...
...you know... 'late night HBO' type of fun...
And I could buy you a chicken lollipop.
I am vegetarian.
No it's wrong, it's completely wrongthe flag...
...has to be on that side.
And all of you come on this side!
Madam... I'm not Madonna.
What is this Mr. Ramesh? Please! Out!
This is not American!
- Hi. - Hi.
I wantedto ask you something.
Why?
You want to ride on my love machine, eh?
No, no.
Why are you always tryingto seduce women?
Aren't you gay?
I don't know what you're saying.
You are Ramesh Shrinivas, right?
You joined Microsoft six years ago, right after IIT?
Hari your boyfriend... I know him through my NGO work.
How you are knowing?
It is my personal life.
Are you a spy?
Besides, Hari is my friend.
It's not like that gay and all like the people say, okay?
Just friends!
Yes, Hari and I, we may shower together.
But what is that? Lack of space only, no?
I don't want the US to know this.
How can I then get employment with Microsoft in Seattle and...
...become the next CEO after Bill Gates?
I want the US to know that I am likingthe girls.
After marriage we will all be happy... Wife, Hari and me!
Madam, God promise... I am requesting some silence...
...on this issue.
Yeah, yeah of course. Listen don't worry. Don't worry...
- I am not going to tell. - I am likingthe girls.
- Sorry! - It's unisex...
Oh!
Bastard! Now I know where I know you from. Eh! See!
- Look it's him! It's you man! - That's not me, man.
You're smiling!
It'sa big one eh? Like Tata!
Is this a boy or a girl?
I'm just asking.
I have seen this earlier. It is quite famous.
Arre, no bastard!
I have the whole thing you see the girl and all... It will come.
Listen guys, I think we should just...
Hey you think you are one stud or what?
Hey look at him he's going all 'Chaka chak'! Solid!
Good job yeah.
Hey! Bloody! He's doing andfilmingalso! How ya?
Hey! Come on! Hey! Come on, Come on!
Too good man! How? Who's the girl, who's the girl?
Lipstick?
Lip...
Madam you really look like Paris Hilton!
You're still such a bastard Rohit!
- Archana! Arch! - Savita Bhabi.
You guys. You guys are such bastards, man!
Please... Uh... Rewind, no?
- It's her. - Definitely.
Is Bush an angel?
In other news, build your own Bush.
Aman from Nagpur shows you how.
Useless idiot!
Idiot!
Mohammed Aslam.
Shahrukh Khan?
- Archana! - Rohit please, I don't want to talk to you, okay.
This can't go on forever right?
Like yes! it can!
Just lower your voice...
Once I shake George Bush's hand...
...then all those page people, who said, like...
There's Archana, the slut!
Will say... There's Archana, the President's friend!
That will be like a slap in their face... Like that!
I don't want to talk to you Rohit!
Just leave me alone!
Somebody stole my phone, Archana...
I didn't do it.
I have never met Archana's dad, okay?
I mean some of his associates came to see me.
But they couldn't touch me.
Anyway, everything is not about Archana. Alright? I just...
I needto get out of this country, you know.
Go to The States for a while.
You know, when I shake George's hand, I'll let him know.
I will explain him everything...
And then we will know who will have the last laugh...
Me... I'll have the last laugh.
So, Mohammed Aslam...
Just a minute! Madam... Can you wait please?
- No! - I am requesting you, I need your help.
I am sorry for what I said earlier, I'm a little hot headed.
This man here, Mohammed Aslam... He writes poems in Urdu.
- Printing. - Yes, yes.
It is for him, not for me.
The goal of this next round is that each of you...
...will be given a status. Andtoldto enact a scene.
We want to make sure that you who have...
...a lower status than the President of America...
...maintain that statusand don't try to become...
- The President of America. - Yes.
So the situation is that three of you are roommates...
...andthat one of you has been stealing money. Okay?
So Rohit, you have the middle statusand...
Maya, you have the highest status.
And Ritu... You have the lowest status.
- Why? - Just be yourself!
- Madam... - Yes?
Is there like a script? Or we can say what we want?
No no no... it's called, 'Improv' it comes from the word...
- 'Impromptu'. - No, improvisation.
Exactly! Uh, right Maya, you can come in later.
Right... Um... Go!
Thieves!
- Like... where's my cash? - I promise, I didn't take it.
I know you did, you cheap bitch!
- No, I'm not a thief. - Show me your money!
- It's in the bank. - I want to go to that bank now.
Please believe me...
You are nothing, you understand? You are a piece of useless shit.
Absolutely nothing!
Okay, Maya, you can come in now.
Where is my money, you dog?
You don't understand English?
- Maya, what are you doing? - You go and get me some tea!
I... I don't have it.
Yeah?
Fuck! Ejeez man!
Excellent! Excellent!
- I think she broke my nose. - Oh Sorry.
- Don't touch me! - Just, go get some ice.
Madam...
I mean, you are so quiet, then all of a sudden...
Madam, if you were a stock I would buy you.
You know, this is ridiculous!
I would have hit her back, but she's a woman!
Sit down Rohit I wasacting!
Sit down everyone, settle down.
Show me.
Okay, Ajay? Ajay, you're a Government servant.
And you are interviewingtwo people...
...for the job of a Government Press Officer.
Ok Mr. Ajay, they both have the equal status...
...but you decide duringthe interview...
- who has the higher status. - That is very easy actually.
No, no, no, no... you cant ask them that.
Why?
Because they have equal status when you began the interview.
- They can not have equal status! - Why?
They have to belongto some caste! Brahmin or whatever...
No, no... No... No. We won't talk of the caste differences here.
The President doesn't want to hear it.
But Madam, I know...
...in rural India if you have to be a Press Officer...
...you have to be a schedule caste.
Which is lower status, but higher chance of getting the job.
- Reservations, no? - This isacting.
This is lie madam, I won't do it.
I don't want to fight. I am smoking.
I liked how you didn't break your principles to role play.
Yes. That is there.
Can I say something?
- Yes. - You know, I hate your Salman Rushdie.
Always writing some or the other book over there.
That's there...
- You have a dog? - Yes.
Good, I like dogs. They can't speak English, bloody!
But can communicate anywhere in the world.
Lovely, no?
Mine is calledJoseph Stalin. But the fucker isalways terrified.
Where are you taking me?
So... You find me sexy when I get agitated?
I'm sorry, but... Please don't complain.
Sssh! It's okay... I don't mind.
Touch me.
Nice!
Ritu.
Busy... Busy... Lady... Assistant...
Ass!
Meow!
Excuse me!
- It'sa sweet dish... - Rice?
- Coconut and kheer... - Indian culture very similar.
But tasty.
- You needto improve! - Come! Ready!
Atalent is what makes you... Talented.
Do you have talent? What makes you so special?
Why should President Bush give you five minutes?
And not the other five billion...
...nine hundredand ninety nine million people?
Madam... if President Bush shook everyone's hand...
...then he would need a hundred million years.
And he is President only for five years.
And say even if he is President for infinity...
...it is not a good use of possible resources.
Because A - In the US they would have to give up voting...
...and make President Bush President for the longest time...
...longer than the history of earth. BThere will be a very long line.
C His hands will hurt.
This is calledTautology a field of deduction in mathematics.
- Now I would like to dance. - Please.
Not here, there, up in the sky.
Come with me, I want to fly.
Don't stop let the whole world know.
Don't stop! Let the whole world know!
Come fast... Come fast... Come fast...
Don't be slow.
I don't know what you say.
I don't know, don't know what you say.
But I want to dance and play.
I want to play the game of love. I want you in the name of love.
Mr. Ramesh. Mr. Ramesh S! Thank you!
What was that?
Great South Indian star, Kamal Hassan, Madam.
He is like the Al Pacino of Chennai.
This famous song is from his film Ek Duje Ke Liye. Thank you.
I would prefer it if no one else dances.
I would now like to recite a passage from Hamlet.
Yes, please, go ahead.
What a piece of work isa man, how noble in reason...
...how infinite in faculties.
In action how like an angel.
In apprehension how like a God!
And Yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dusts?
Man delights, not me.
Bravo! Bravo!
Madam!
I can move one eyebrow without moving the other.
How lovely! Show us.
Kapil. Kapil, you're moving both eyebrows.
- What happened? Who says? - Dude... We can see!
Can't you do anything else, huh? May be with finance.
Madam, thank you. I know all the symbols of all the stocks...
...listed on the exchanges, ask me!
But how will we know if you are right?
Madam I have this pocket directory.
All the stocks listed on BSE and NSE.
Ask me!
- Ok... Govind Walia Textiles. - GWSI.
- Bhushan States... - BUSHSTL... Bush!
- Badlapur Cheeni - BCNI.
Xylax Bahupati Pharmaceuticals and sons.
BXSL... BXST! Sorry sorry!
- Empro oil. - EOIO, bloody loser stock.
Reliance.
Which Reliance? Power, Petroleum, Communications or Retail?
- Petro! - RPL.
- TATAPower. - Tata...
- Enough! Enough. - Those are all correct!
- Madam I can go on. - No, no.
Archana... what will you do for us?
I don't have any talents.
Madam, you have talent.
Shut up!
Come on on, it'salright. We used to always do this at parties.
Like... Stop!
Archana... Are you okay to do this?
I...
Two words... First word.
Hot!
Asshole!
Nipple! Nipple!
Is it a real person or is it an idea?
Bengali girl... Shut the fuck up!
Second word.
Slut.
Gigolo?
Girl... Uh...
American...
...Beauty?
American...
Okay, Mr. Ajay, what will you do for us?
I will tell some jokes. Here is the first one, Okay?
You know, Helen Keller? The blind one, the blind woman.
Why wouldn't Helen Keller ever drive a car?
- Why? - Because she wasa woman, no?
Next one, little non-veg, okay?
Speakingabout woman... Why do they always fake orgasms? Why?
- Why? - Because they think we care!
Stop it man! It's not funny.
Next one.
Why didthe woman die crossingthe road?
Who cares? What was she doing outside the kitchen...
...in the first place?
In the garden, Ajay triedto touch me.
But I said 'No! '. Shouldn't be allowed.
Mr. Ajay. I can cross the road.
And It's one thing to make jokes about Ritu...
...but I will not stand for any jokesabout women.
Can I crack one more joke about Ritu Madam?
What is the reason for this?
You have the lowest pointsalso. From all the rounds.
You broke the rules.
In life, the lower you score, the lower your chances.
Someone with an MBA should know that!
I would like to say bye to Maya.
Everybody get some rest!
Bloody, what these people know? Nothing!
Do they even know? That there is a village in Arunachal Pradesh...
...which has women, and they are all archers.
They hunt and they eat, half woman, half pigmy!
Like that woman, Samantha!
Andthis isa great country, I don't want two women...
...from a PR agency to tell me that.
Jai Hind!
And Jai Maharatshtra!
If Bush shakes my hand, I won't let go! What hands he has!
Bloody.
Everyone hasa price! Bush!
I have met, like, Shobha De...
...but where do you get to meet someone big like him?
Maybe in Sweden, where it's small.
When I get Bush's hand...
...the main focus will be on the thrust!
Bush isan ignorant dog...
...who think that he isJesus's substitute in the Free world!
Afree world he neither knows... Nor can spell!
Bush.
Kapil Dev.
- Kapil Dev, Bush! - Aslam.
Sir?
Mr. Ambassador?
What on earth is going on here?
Sir, this madam, has stolen your thing!
Every time this is becoming an issue, sir!
Sir, I am doing my job!
The nerve... Nerve of these animals nowadays!
Leave! immediately! Call your superior.
You know, you should keep these low class people in check.
Sometimes they bite also.
Don't speak!
Find me that Indian and get out!
I don't ever want to see you in Bombay again.
These are from earlier.
- Madam... - Please! - My goggles!
She is on medication, sir.
Why are you lettingthem continue?
I have no choice. He is coming in six hours!
What is this, man?
I wasat the moviesand there was this guy behind me...
...with an axe... And you know.
Wake up! We're not here for a party!
America is not a party!
Bush will come and shake my hand.
- Take me to the promised land! - Take me to the promised land!
Handshake. Handshake. Handshake.
Madam! The wealthiest man in America is Warren Buffet bhai.
He isa trader of stocks.
He is the second wealthiest.
The wealthiest man is Bill Gates and he lives in Seattle...
I've been to his house.
Seriously? I love you man!
- Mr. Ramesh... - Yes?
You're disqualified.
Mr. Rohit, did you or did you not complain...
...that Mr. Ramesh has made sexual advances towards you...
...displayed inappropriate behavior...
...and hasacted in ungentlemanly conduct towards your head.
Which are violations of the basic code of behavior...
...of the competition.
I did not complaint.
But, what did I do to him? I touched him slowly, that isall.
Chill! I haven't saidanything.
Even if we forget that...
...would you like to comment on your special relationship...
...with Mr. Hari Srinivas?
- Shivaraman. - Shivaraman.
Madam...
I have no comment on it. But I am telling you...
...she's lying!
The case is closed. You hidthis information from us, Mr. Ramesh S.
We do not allow liars in this competition.
But Madam, I have been a topper from nursery school till now!
You can not do this to me!
The Indian law and President Bush...
...do not believe in homosexuality!
But, but, but... Madam...
I am performing all my tasks as mentioned.
The door is that way. Thank you!
But madam, I am not that homo man. I will get married...
- I needthis chance madam. - Out!
Madam... Madam...
Madam, I can solve any mathematics problem...
...in two minutes, Madam! Madam...
And why that Maya isagainst? Does she love Hari?
Is she a South Indian hater?
And where in the rules does it say that Homosare not allowed?
This is like that show Survivor.
Except, I did not survive!
Yes, the President is sleeping.
That's the Presidential snore.
What kind of party is going on here?
Oh, nothing happening. I was just tryingto make some tea.
Oh, tea? How lovely! I love tea!
English language, English tea...
But you're not allowed to cook here. You know that, right?
- Yes? - Cash or cheque?
- What? - No, Madam. I can pay you in dollars!
Look Madam, final offer.
If you have a credit card machine on you...
...then it is not a problem at all, we can just swipe!
Straight in your bank account it will go.
Swipe!
Excuse me.
Eclair.
Mmm... It's yummy! Mmm... Creamy...
Right. The score till now Maya Roy, 112 points.
Rohit and Archana, both of you are tied at 84 points.
And Kapil, points. So Kapil...
- Sam, there'sa mistake. - Really?
Yeah, Kapil has 175, not 75.
You know, he did very well in the Talent Round with the stocks...
I judged him. You asked me to keep the scores, no?
- So Kapil Dev, 175. - Right... Uh...
Yeah okay, so then... Rohit and Archana, one of you...
See in case the President can't understand what you're saying...
...we are tryingto make him feel at home.
Americans shaking hands with Americans, that's the goal!
Accentsare my bitches, you!
Maya.
You talking to me?
Excuse me, you talking to me?
That's from 'Taxi Driver'. Robert De Niro.
Bravo, bravo! I mean seriously...
I almost thought I was watching the movie there for a minute.
Ritu, big score! Big score!
My name is Gordon Gekko...
...and I am here to tell you that greed is good!
- Very good Kapil! Excellent! - Thank you, Madam.
Archana?
I'm like Archana. I'm, like, totally happy to meet you.
I... Lip...
I did okay, right?
Right.
Rohit?
- Rohit... - No, one minute.
You are missingthe whole point of this round!
Speakeazy! I didthat.
Has he taken drugs?
Rohit, what are you talking about?
I don't know.
What are you doing?
I don't need Bush to be a better Archana.
Let's go.
Daddy, will you please stop tryingto kill Rohit?
I'm with him.
- Fast! - Madam it's not coming out.
I cannot promise anythingjust do it quickly, come on!
What's the story here?
No Madam, it's not what you think... It's not sex.
Just cash!
Sam!
Abribe as Swami Vivekananda had said, is not cool...
But you asked me to take the bribe, no?
To get evidence. How else would I get evidence, Sam?
Now you know what the consulate will do if they find out?
John my lose his job.
But I won't tell anyone. Because I'm your friend.
And because...
...you will let me go for breakfast with the president.
Because you will suddenly fall sick... And can't go.
Right?
Right.
Good... Good girl.
- Sam? - Now what have you done Ritu?
Fuck you!
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you andthat Maya friend of yours!
Ritu, Relax!
I did all these questionnaires andall this paper work.
- Ritu! - What will you do without me Sam?
Zenith is nothing without me Sam. We got this PRjob because of me!
I don't needthis, Sam. I don't!
Ritu calm down. Ritu come back, Ritu!
Is the invitation here?
You don't look like you'll take money.
For what?
To leave.
- Leave where? - This room.
Oh a bribe!
No, I'm not goingto take a bribe.
Good.
No, I wasn't offering you a bribe. I was testing you.
You passed.
Last andfinal round is to test your general knowledge...
...about America.
Maya...
Which U. S President wasassassinated in?
- John F. Kennedy. - Correct answer.
- Kapil. Who was the first President... - George Washington!
That's the right answer...
Maya, who directedTaxi Driver?
Martin Scorccesse.
Right answer. Kapil, where was...
Los Angeles.
- Kapil, are you cheating? - No, why?
He has the answers written on hisarm.
I don't have the answers written on my arm.
Did Ritu give you the answers?
I don't know what you are talkingabout.
Why are you hiding your arm if you don't have answers...
...written on it?
I'm not hiding, I'm just stretching.
- Show me your arm. - Here! See!
Madam... Madam... Madam!
These are answers to the quiz questions by question number.
- No, they are not. - Yes, they are.
What are they, if they aren't answers?
They are just answers to questions I often think about.
Kapil, stop making a fool of yourself.
- Don't move! - Oh my God!
What are you doing?
I will hurt her! I will hurt you!
No no no, don't hurt her. Guard!
- Do you have a weapon? - No, how will I?
They have a security check outside no?
Then what will you do? Hit me?
- Hey! I have a gun at home. - And how will you go home?
I don't know, but I will.
I will break her neck! I will break your neck!
You'll never get away with this.
Madam, these aren't answers to the quiz questions!
- Yes they are! - Shit yaar!
Madam! Madam... Madam... Madam! Madam! Madam!
I didn't do anything Madam!
How much? Madam, I can pay you both!
My team will be servinga lightly poached eggand a Boston muffin.
I hadto get it from Boston.
I am sure he will like it because in India it's not there.
Otherwise there will be crispy toast, coffee and bacon.
- I chose the pick myself. - And everyone will wear gloves.
That's true.
We're ready for you, Mr. President.
Hello, Mr. President!
I... I like the ends of your fingers... Tips... Finger tips.
It's exactly like a CEO's, but fragile.
Exactly!
What's your favorite memory?
- Of what? - Anything.
I like watching planes landing safely.
So important in today's world!
What's yours?
Oh, well... in Assam, I once hearda midget playing...
'Vande Matram' on the banjo.
And you know what his t-shirt said? India Size does Matter!
Isn't that just...
Oh my God! What happenedthere?
Nothing, It's just badfurniture.
Yeah, but how can a table just collapse?
Sam, just let it be... Sam! One sec... Let it be Sam!
Don't touch it Sam, it's concentratedacid!
What?
Nothing, just forget about that It's not important.
Listen to me Sam.
If you understand me, like I think you do.
Can I share a secret with you? Like a couple? Yes?
- What do you think this is? - A... A tea bag?
That's what I thought. Yet it is deceptive!
Like a Dickens novel.
See, inside this bagare two volatile powders, okay?
And when it comes in contact with hot water like that...
...it makes the world's smallest and quickest bomb!
I have been working on it all night.
Sam, I got burnt... See, I have scars.
It wasa little complicated... you know... with the timing...
...and everything... But I've finally figured it out Sam!
And we are going to have Bush with a burnt face! Finally!
Sam what happened? Why are you crying Sam?
Listen don't be so worried. Its goingto be fine.
I have told my associates, they're going to pick us up...
...from an undisclosed location right after he dies.
There is goingto be so much chaos.
Sam! No one will ever know.
Sam...
Sam are you with me?
Sam?
What's wrong with you? Sam! Get off me! You don't understand!
Stop it! Sam you don't understand!
I'll get you for this!
What are you doing with my bag? Leave my bag!
Sam!
SAM!
- Is the young Indian ready? - Almost.
You've got two minutes.
Welcome Mr. President!
The young Indian...
- Are you the young Indian? - No, Sir. He is!
Bush, Brother... You changed my life.